George Osborne has announced that a huge number of jobs at the Department of Paperclips are to be cut as part of the government's cost-saving strategy.
The Department, which was created by the previous Labour government, was credited with creating thousands of new jobs, some of which were carried out by British people.
Those cuts in full:
1,000 staff from the Paperclips (Accounting) section, who had responsibility for counting all paperclips used in other government departments.
1,000 staff from the Paperclips (Distribution) section, who had responsibility for distributing all paperclips used in other government departments.
500 staff from the Paperclips Human Resources office - who had responsibility for counting all the people who worked in all the sections of the Department of Paperclips and maintaining their personnel records.
500 staff from the Paperclips (Health & Safety) section which made sure that none of the other staff were injured by paperclips.
A spokesman for the Amalgamated Paperclip Operatives Union said, "frankly I am stunned and shocked by these vicious cuts, which cannot be justified at a time when the country needs paperclips more than it has ever done."
The government was also criticised for informing 250 employees of the department that they had lost their jobs via a text message that was sent to their Department-provided Blackberries.
A spokesman for the government explained that this was because the 250 had been on permanent sick, maternity or paternity leave since starting their employment with the Department of Paperclips and as all their personnel records had been lost years ago this was the surest way of getting in touch with them :-)
And having made it into the Sunday Times "Rich List" he is now being told to pay back £42k in expenses claimed for a flat he has never actually slept a night in and has been suspended from the House of Lords.
Not that his peerage ever had anything to do with his donations to the Labour Party. Of course not...
To commemorate the awesome spectacle of Ann Widdecombe and Anton du Beke dancing together on Strictly Come Dancing, The Lakelander's Emporium of Tat is proud to offer both its readers the "Ann and Anton Snowglobe" for just £99.95!
Any similarity to the Hyacinth the Hippo and Ben Ali Gator Snowglobe that is being offered by those charlatans at the Disney Store for $24.99 is purely coincidental.
Much to everyones surprise (including his own) Alan Johnson has been appointed as Shadow Chancellor by Ed Miliband.
I can only imagine that dinner last night in the Balls & Cooper household was a pretty sad affair with Ed blubbering into his soup and Yvette wondering whether she can get a refund on all those "from us both at Number 11" Christmas cards she ordered last week. She kept the receipt so perhaps she can put them on expenses - like everything else in their house.
Credit where it's due - Alan beat the rest of us to it by saying that the first book he would be getting would be a primer on Economics.
So isn't it a comfort to think that if the coalition fails, our financial future could be in the hands of a sometime Marxist who can't add up.....?
Apologies to both my visitors - blogging has been light in recent weeks.
My career as a Village Idiot has changed somewhat. I now work for a little company called Village Idiot Systems Incorporated and my involvement in the transition process has really wrecked my blogging output in recent weeks.
Whatever passes for normal service on this apology for a blog will be resumed soon.