The Lakelander's View

Time to give the Falklands to Argentina?

2012-02-16T07:03:00.009Z

Mrs and Mr Madonna pictured above in happier times

Well, according to a convicted wife beater and friend of corrupt left-wing dictators, it is.

Sean, it's nothing to do with history or justice. It's all about oil!

At the Setting of the Sun

2012-02-12T08:23:00.002Z

Is this the beginning of the end for Rupert Murdoch's toxic media empire in Britain?

Just starting to thaw

2012-02-11T12:51:00.001Z

Photo taken by Dr Lakelander this morning

English for Dummies

2012-02-10T12:21:00.003Z

For Sale:

Copy of "English for Dummies"

Hardly used.

Genuine reason for sale - change of job means no longer needed.

Best offer secures.

David Blackadder and George Baldrick on the Euro

2012-02-03T15:46:00.003Z

Brought to us courtesy of regular correspondent AJDShootist

Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial metldown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks".

Too Little, Too Late

2012-02-01T07:44:00.001Z

Chris Huhne tries one last desperate line of defence

2012-01-22T18:32:00.007Z

"I would often go out for a drive wearing Vicky's clothes and a wig," said under-fire Energy Minister, Chris Huhne, "and I must have shown the Police the driving licence I found in the jacket pocket - it's all been a silly misunderstanding."

Ed Miliband's Memory Lapse

2012-01-18T08:07:00.004Z

The poor chap appears to have forgotten who owns him......

Motivational After Dinner Speaker Available Soon

2012-01-17T17:56:00.005Z

Once he gets out of jail...because he's never going to be driving any more ships round the Med again....

David Cameron invites Alex Salmond for talks

2012-01-16T16:02:00.005Z

David Cameron has invited Alex Salmond to talks in London about his ambition of leading an independent Scotland.

The Prime Minister has said that "he anticipates a positive outcome for Scotland."

France's Credit Rating Downgraded

2012-01-14T17:04:00.004Z

"But of course we can still be friends, Nicholas...."

Little Nicholas Sarkosy is about to find out that a friend in need is a pain in the derriere. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted, wasn't it?

Every Little Helps (himself)

2012-01-09T15:10:00.002Z

Ready, Steady, Nick!

Ed Miliband makes an idiot of himself again

2012-01-07T11:42:00.004Z

"Blackbusters"?

This guy really is the true heir to Neil Kinnock!

"Allow assisted suicide for those with less than a year to live"

2012-01-05T11:12:00.004Z

Doctors should be allowed to help terminally ill patients kill themselves – but only if they have less than a year to live, under proposals published in a major report today.

Let's be honest, they don't look very well, do they and the local elections are just a few months away?

The Archbishop of Canterbury's New Year Message

2012-01-01T10:25:00.010Z

Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has accused Britain of "letting down young people."

In a widely ignored speech, broadcast on BBC1 today, he said:

We shouldn't think of these young people as being criminals - I believe that what they were doing was just another form of "street art" and should be commended.

Advertising agencies and shops should be condemmed for creating a desire for designer label training shoes and iPods. If it wasn't for them, the riots wouldn't have happened.

Looting shops of sports clothing, training shoes and electrical goods should be viewed as urgently-needed redistribution of wealth in these poor communities, where some residents have to get by with televisions that have less than 40 inch screens.

If Jesus was alive today, I believe that he would have been out there with all the other lovable gangstas and hoodies, torching the hated symbols and structures of capitalism and oppression. Innit?

This Christmas, Rowan Williams was meant to be appearing as The Scarecrow in the Tottenham Hippodrome's pantomime "The Wizard of Oz", but unfortunately the theatre was burned down in the summer.

Wishing you all a Healthy and Peaceful 2012

2011-12-31T16:08:00.003Z

And I, for one, will be looking forward to the trial of Saif Al-Islam Gaddafi!

Though perhaps with less concern about what he might tell the court than Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson...

To everyone who has visited this blog in the past year, I wish you and your families a healthy and peaceful new year.

I promise to continue bringing you tasteless Photoshopped content like this in 2012!

As a Nation Mourns

2011-12-29T19:29:00.004Z

What do you think its new leader is thinking?

Is it:

(a) Does anyone have a needle and thread handy? I appear to have pinged my bottom coat button.

(b) Of all the countries in the world, why did I end up in charge of this bunch of mad bastards?

(c) When's lunch? I'm starving...

Answers on a postcard please!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:59:00.000Z

Wishing you and your families a very Merry Christmas.

The Lakelander

England Captain denies accusations of racism

2011-12-23T16:22:00.002Z

click to enlarge

England Captain John Terry has hit back at critics who have accused him of using racist abuse during a match between Chelsea and QPR.

"It is inconceivable that anyone in my position would be so degenerate and reckless as to use racist language against a fellow player of the beautiful game," he declared, "it would be as bad as getting your best mate's girlfriend pregnant."

A Nation Mourns

2011-12-19T20:07:00.004Z

It was announced today that the Dear Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il has died.

Actually, he died in 2004.

But, by a happy coincidence, the same year saw the launch of the film "Team America: World Police", which featured an animatronic puppet of Kim Jong-Il, that the North Korean politburo bought on Ebay and have been using as a stand-in ever since.

For seven years, the people of North Korea have been completely taken in by this sleight of hand. Many have commented on how well the Dear Leader has looked in recent years and how much taller he is these days.

It is believed that a major circuit failure in the puppet gave the game away on Saturday, when "Kim Jong-Il" began farting sparks and repeating "I ruve you rong time" to a million strong rally of the North Korean branch of Weight Watchers International.

Now that the game is up, the Dear Leader will be succeeded by his 28 year old son, Kim Fat Turd.

Shock news about Charles Kennedy

2011-12-18T13:21:00.005Z

I'm not sure which was the biggest shock - that he had joined the Labour Party or that he had undergone a sex change?

Strange people, these politicians.

Splendid Isolation

2011-12-10T13:14:00.003Z

Here we are again - at odds with the rest of Europe.

Good!

I give it less than 6 months before the rest of Europe wake up to the fact that this treaty is nothing less than a con, designed only to protect the interests of Germany.

And then the real fun will start....

Michael Barrymore pleads guilty to possession of cocaine

2011-12-07T13:42:00.004Z

Michael Barrymore, pictured above on a fun night out with the boys, has pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine, after he was a passenger in a car that went out of control in London.

That should keep him off our screens for a while longer.

Thank God.

Be Careful What You Wish For, Nicholas

2011-12-06T15:42:00.003Z

I think we've been here before, haven't we?

The Chancellor's Autumn Statement summarised

2011-11-30T14:49:00.002Z

Just what we all wanted to hear before Christmas.....

Updated version of Tony Blair's memoirs released

2011-11-20T07:25:00.006Z

And Tony's looking strangely worried....

I wonder why?

Sepp Blatter finds an answer to "being misunderstood" so often

2011-11-19T08:48:00.004Z

In future, all the Fifa President's verbal outpourings will be recorded.

That way, there will be no misunderstanding about what he has, or has not, said.

November the Fifth

2011-11-05T12:57:00.001Z

A time when we celebrate the execution of those who have committed treason.

One day, Tony.....

Just in time for Halloween

2011-10-23T17:34:00.005+01:00

The Lakelander's Emporium of Tat is proud to be the first stockist in the world of the Saif Al Islam Gadaffi Horror Mask!

If you've ever wanted to scare the life out of a dodgy politician or financier then this is the thing to be seen in at Halloween.

Imagine the look on their faces when they answer the door and see their old friend standing there.

For maximum terror effect, just say "do you mind if I stay over for a bit, while I write my memoirs?"

Price £99.99. Includes free PhD from the London School of Economics.

As recommended by Lord Peter Mandelson, "it certainly put the willies up me!"

Do you believe in Ghosts, Tony?

2011-10-22T16:44:00.003+01:00

Because if you don't, perhaps it's time you did.

Now that Gadaffi and his family are either dead or in exile, perhaps we'll hear the truth about all those visits you've made in recent years - and what was in it for you.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

Rather as predicted here

2011-10-20T14:56:00.000+01:00

Coming to a Cinema near you soon

2011-10-15T11:39:00.003+01:00

I can't help thinking that this particular bit of fox hunting is going to run and run....

Facebook - people you may know

2011-10-09T10:41:00.004+01:00

Thanks a bunch, Martin

2011-10-08T18:43:00.004+01:00

As a player, I never much liked Martin Johnson.

He was dirty and brutish in a way that harked back to an earlier style of the game (though, in fairness, this was actually the style of the game that I used to know back in the 70s and early 80s and when I played rugby.)

Under his management, the lack of discipline in the England team has been a disgrace. It can only have contributed to the jaded performance that the team turned in today against France.

And condemned those of us from England, Ireland and Scotland to something we never thought we would be forced to do.....

Support Wales!

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T15:04:00.002+01:00

The Godfather from Hell

2011-09-06T14:33:00.001+01:00

Ever wondered what a million pounds looks like?

2011-08-27T09:37:00.009+01:00

I can't help thinking that, just like with what happened to Saddam Hussein, someone very close to Muammar Gaddafi will find the offer of a million pounds "dead or alive" just too tempting to resist....

Pan Am 103 Remembered

2011-08-22T23:10:00.002+01:00

And now it's time for a reckoning....

Brothers in Arms

2011-08-22T20:59:00.002+01:00

When times are hard, it's always nice to know that old friends can be relied on to speak up for you.

Gordon Brown: "Colonel who? Must be a friend of Tony....."

American Budget Crisis Summarised

2011-08-02T13:07:00.003+01:00

America has had a Triple A credit rating since WWII.

And then they got Obama as their President....

Ed Miliband undergoes surgery

2011-07-28T16:07:00.002+01:00

"I'll be carrying out the operation today - there's nothing to worry about Mr Miliband, you won't feel a thing....honest......."

New style Euro coin revealled

2011-07-22T11:50:00.003+01:00

The European Central Bank has announced a new sponsorship deal that they believe will delay what everyone believed was the inevitable.

In future, the "Euro" will be known as the "Euro-Sponsored-By-Germany" to reflect the fact that half of Europe is now in hock to the Germans.

Federal Europe is becoming a reality. Monetary union without political union was never going to work and this morning people all over Europe are waking up to the fact that they might as well not bother having their own governments any more.

Rupert Murdoch's apology - the first draft

2011-07-16T10:09:00.004+01:00

Click on image to enlarge

Update: I almost forgot about this blog post from July 2009:

The latest-free-application-for-your-iphone

Charlie Gilmour gets 16 months

2011-07-16T09:00:00.001+01:00

With a rich and famous step-father and his feminine looks, Charlie Gilmour is going to find prison a very interesting experience.

He will probably cry himself to sleep every night. Until his cell mate taps him on the shoulder and gives him a hug....

Goodbye Rebekah

2011-07-15T17:39:00.003+01:00

And if Rupert Murdoch thinks that this will save his son, James, he's dreaming.

The Headline the NOTW staff really wanted to run

2011-07-11T10:17:00.003+01:00

A sentiment that perhaps we can all agree with?

Can you spot the difference?

2011-07-08T07:43:00.004+01:00

No, nor can I....

But someone, hiding behind "Identity Protect Limited" has registered several variations of the domain name "The Sun on Sunday" just this week.

I wonder which nasty red top that might be?

Scottish Liberal Democrats reveal their new logo

2011-07-01T13:32:00.003+01:00

Just 627 votes and a lost deposit.

It's not looking good for Nick Clegg, is it?

Farewell to the dream of a Federal Europe

2011-06-19T10:46:00.001+01:00

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

Winston S Churchill

Milliband Brothers deny reports of rift

2011-06-12T13:13:00.002+01:00

Watching this unfold is going to be funny....

Sports News

2011-06-05T09:42:00.006+01:00

A famous potato who plays football for Manchester United and England has tweeted that he has had a hair transplant.

Could a face transplant be next?

Look up now, Colonel

2011-06-04T13:21:00.001+01:00

Click on the photo to enlarge

New FIFA slogan revealed

2011-05-30T19:04:00.005+01:00

Not only has Sepp Blatter reassured the world of football by saying "Crisis - what crisis?" tonight, he has also revealled the new slogan for FIFA, which more accurately reflects the aims of those who run international football.

Expenses Cheats

2011-05-20T12:18:00.004+01:00

So Elliot Morley has been sentenced to 16 months in prison.

He joins Jim Devine, who was also sentenced to 16 months and David Chaytor, who went down for 18 months.

The three of them used every legal trick in the book to stay out of prison, including invoking Parliamentary privilege. The three of them had shamelessly ripped off the taxpayer over many years and deserved to be treated like the common criminals they had chosen to become.

Sir Fred Goodwin

2011-05-20T10:53:00.002+01:00

Sir Fred Goodwin has denied all allegations that his mind was on other things as the banking crisis broke in 2008.

Of course we believe him....

Osama Bin Laden's Porn

2011-05-14T08:32:00.004+01:00

It is being reported that the US Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden found a large quantity of pornography at his hideout in Abbotabad.

No details have yet been released as to the contents of Osama's stash, but the Lakelander's View has obtained a copy of the magazine he was believed to be reading when the Seals dropped in on him.

We have also heard that Osama's last words to his wife, when he asked her to answer the door were "it's a bit early for carol singers, isn't it?"

Nick Clegg - The Future

2011-05-07T09:11:00.001+01:00

I saw a strange vision when I was having breakfast this morning.

I was sure I could see the outline of a familiar face on my piece of toast. I wonder who it could be?

The Situation Room

2011-05-06T06:26:00.006+01:00

You saw it here first!

This is the photo that Barrack Obama and Hilary Clinton didn't want you to see of them watching the US Navy Seals attacking Osama Bin Laden's compound. Shortly after the photo was taken, it is believed that the Secretary of State wished that she hadn't eaten the whole of that pizza herself.

This is the hard evidence that any photos you have seen so far of The Situation Room with plain walls have clearly been Photoshopped.

Hat tip to Electro Kevin for the inspiration

Osama Bin Laden - the marketing begins....

2011-05-03T21:12:00.003+01:00

Time and time again my efforts to ridicule are thwarted by reality. First it was the tat you could buy to commemorate the Royal Wedding and now it's Bin Bloody Laden!

I received this e-mail today from a company that sullies the good town of Teignmouth - home of that most excellent blogger, Electro-Kevin and that most excellent band, Muse.

Read it and weep...

From: "Corpdata"
Date: 3 May 2011 03:46:46 PM GMT+01:00
To: The Lakelander's day job e-mail address
Subject: Accurate data killed Osama bin Laden (helped by US Special Forces)
Reply-To: "Corpdata"

The US 'Most Wanted List' has seen a bit of a shake-up.

Accurate information enabled the US to target their attention on a walled compound in Abbottabad. As a direct result, the small group of people called US Navy Seal Team Six have changed the shape of the international terrorist threat. It may yet prove to be an illusion, but many people will feel safer as a result. Yet despite their evident skill and years of experience, the troops would have been powerless to act without good information.

But Al-Qaeda is still in business, and you need to be too!

Accurate information is just as vital for your marketing. You need to target the

right people with the
right authority in the
right organisations
Corpdata offers you the most accurate B2B marketing data in the UK, that's a fact!

With average data age of just 94 days, and 13 decision makers at each site, you can target the correct decision maker for your campaign.

To ensure your marketing is as effective as US Navy Seal Team Six, call us now on 01626 777400.

Corpdata - Always up to date

Corpdata Ltd
T: 01626 777 400
E: sales@corpdata.co.uk
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corpdata house, den crescent, teignmouth, devon. tq14 8bq registered in england: 2690712 vat no. 600 9669 41 ====================================================================
We would like to keep you informed of our latest promotions and offers, however, if you no longer wish to receive emails from us, please unsubscribe

Ding Dong, the **** is dead!

2011-05-02T20:35:00.002+01:00

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T21:59:00.002+01:00

Taken this Easter Sunday morning in the Lake District.

So you didn't get an invitation either, Gordon?

2011-04-24T08:58:00.004+01:00

Which two former Prime Ministers aren't invited to the Royal Wedding?

Vince Cable sets out LibDem policy on Immigration

2011-04-17T18:57:00.002+01:00

Roll up...Roll up - everyone is welcome!

Please go through this channel Mr Koussa

2011-04-03T16:46:00.003+01:00

Good to see that Britain is still the place of choice for asylum seekers from all over the world.

Particularly those with money....no matter where it came from.....

The Lakelander's View

2011-03-28T08:24:00.002+01:00

I can't think of anything political to ridicule at the moment, so in the meantime, here's a photo of Derwentwater I took on Friday.

When we had summer....

Another Royal Collectible released

2011-03-19T13:24:00.004Z

I am delighted to announce an addition to the range of Royal Collectibles that are on sale in my Emporium of Tat.

A new porcelainette mug, featuring the Duchess of Cornwall doing two of the things she enjoys most can be yours for just £29.95.

As can be seen, His Royal Highness Prince Charles has given his seal of approval to this fitting tribute to Camilla.

Please form an orderely queue

2011-03-16T09:48:00.003Z

Good news for everyone who was unable to acquire one of my Royal Wedding Commemorative Plates featuring Prince William and Pippa Middleton back in November!

It seems that Guandong Enterprises have now produced a mug that features Prince Harry and Kate Middleton.

Could be a collector's item for the future......perhaps I should give Guandong Enterprises a call?

Colonel Gadaffi - an apology

2011-03-08T22:37:00.014Z

In keeping with almost every other printed and online publication in the world, The Lakelander's View (ABC audited readership = 2) has taken a staunch anti-Gadaffi stance in the past fortnight.

I have been more than happy to condemn his horrific treatment of his own people, the corruption within his regime and I have applauded the heroism of the ordinary people who have risen up, without regard for their own safety, to challenge his obscenely totalitarian and murderous regime.

Truly, they are they are the heroes of the "Arab Spring".

Having said that, recent events have made me slightly adjust my position:

(1) As it now seems that a "Non Fly Zone" appears to be closer to a wet dream for wee Willy Hague than anything that is likely to happen soon, it's fair to say that the rebels are going to be bombed to oblivion within the next week. Never back a loser is the lesson here. Especially when you don't have available any aircraft carriers or aircraft that could be of any use. Let's be honest, those P45s that were sent to half the pilots in the RAF last week weren't a great move, were they, Dave?

(2) The oil price rise that this ~~heroic~~ Al Quaeda backed rebellion has generated is really starting to piss me off every time I fill up my 4x4. I can't help feeling that my rights should be respected as well. As are those of the filling station cashiers I keep swearing at every time I pay for my fuel. It can't be right, can it?

(3) The Lakelander's Emporium of Tat plc has recently welcomed a badly needed injection of capital of £50 from Mad Muammar Capital Partners of 666 Old Hob Street, Mayfair, London. Based on this enlightened support of free speech on this blog, I am happy to delete every prior suggestion that Colonel Gaddafi is a murderous tyrant and promote the idea that he is a slightly eccentric, fun-loving, Lou Reed look-a-like friend of the people.

I would therefore like to apologise to Colonel Gadaffi for any suggestion that he is anything but the most enlightened leader in the free world and reassure him that all of his family's investments in the UK - and in particular this blog - have been well chosen.

In these difficult times, it should be reassuring for both my readers that there is somewhere they can turn to get the truth on any subject that is making the headlines.

New range of Royal collectibles goes on sale

2011-03-05T10:34:00.005Z

Royal Worcester have just launched a new range of commemorative china featuring Prince William and Kate Middleton, who will be getting married in April.

At this happy time, the Lakelander's Emporium of Tat is pleased to announce its own range of commemorative china that features other members of the Royal family.

First in this series of collectible items is a plate featuring Britain's Trade Ambassador, Prince Andrew with a friend.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?

The people of Barnsley have spoken

2011-03-04T12:34:00.003Z

Well, the 36.5% of the population who were eligible (and could be bothered) to vote have...

Meanwhile the party of double dealing slips from second to sixth in the poll and their candidate loses his deposit.

Nick Clegg has seen a vision of the future and it's not very pretty.

Now we know that Gadaffi is f**ked

2011-02-27T22:15:00.006Z

It seems that Colonel Gadaffi's personal nurse Galyna Kolotnytska has decided to go back to the Ukraine.

Hard to imagine what he saw in her, isn't it?

UPDATE

I don't know why I bother with carefully Photoshopped images and attempts at humour....I have just checked my Google Analytics for the past week and my hits have increased by a factor of twenty times because of these photos!

Nick Clegg forgot he was running the country

2011-02-26T09:11:00.004Z

"Um.....should I be somewhere else?"

Nick Clegg has admitted he forgot he was in charge of the country while David Cameron was on a tour of the Middle East ~~flogging weapons to Arab dictators~~ promoting peace in the region.

Jim Devine declared bankrupt

2011-02-23T14:23:00.003Z

Still, it's not all bad news for the former Labour MP who was recently found guilty of defrauding the taxpayer.

Very soon he'll be able to enjoy free board and lodging - entirely at the taxpayers' expense!

Even a dictator is judged by the company he keeps

2011-02-21T22:09:00.003Z

From the Daily Mail 5 June 2010:

Tony Blair has become an adviser to Colonel Gaddafi, the Libyan dictator's son has sensationally claimed.

Saif al-Islam Gaddafi said the former prime minister has secured a consultancy role with a state fund that manages the country's £65billion of oil wealth.

In an exclusive interview, Saif described Mr Blair as a 'personal family friend' of the Libyan leader and said he had visited the country 'many, many times' since leaving Downing Street three years ago.

Happy Birthday Gordon!

2011-02-20T16:57:00.006Z

Today is Gordon Brown's 60th birthday.

So to commemorate the person who has done more than any other to put Britain where it is today, the Bank of England will issue a special bank note in his honour.

Many happy returns, Gordon!

It was fifty years ago today

2011-02-09T21:39:00.014Z

That The Beatles first performed at The Cavern Club.

As a sometime resident of Liverpool who grew up and was educated in this great city it would be a shame not to note this anniversary. Radio 4 tells us that The Beatles are worth £48 million in tourist business to the city each year. And every year.

So here are my few degrees of separation from this story:

Many years ago while riding down Woolton Hill in Liverpool on my motorbike, I saw Yoko Ono standing by the gates in front of Strawberry Fields, with her son Sean, whilst being photographed by the press.

This is the same road that is the view in the opening scene from the film "Nowhere Boy" by Sam Taylor-Wood (which I can recommend.)

The person who arranged the purchase of Auntie Mimi's house where John Lennon grew up on behalf of the National Trust was a friend who was a year behind me in school.

Whilst on a night out on ~~the piss big style~~ a cultural tour of Liverpool with some friends from University, we ran into Allan Williams in a pub in Matthew Street who - for the price of a pint would tell you all about his early days with The Beatles.

The drummer for The Beatles at this time (who you can't really see in this photo) is Pete Best. His cousin is one of our best friends.

Spooky?

Not really....Liverpool has always been just a big village.

Nice to know that the Fab Four are still being celebrated fifty years on.

Speaker's wife photographed wearing only a bed sheet

2011-02-05T10:08:00.005Z

And now The Speaker has been photographed wearing only a pillow case.

Is there anything this ghastly couple will not do to attract publicity for themselves?

New Crime Map of Britain reveals worst addresses for crime

2011-02-02T15:47:00.005Z

click to enlarge

An online crime map of towns in the UK has been launched by the Home Office. The website offers people a chance to see how many criminals operate in certain areas. When the site is fully operational, local crime statistics will be available.

Not surprisingly, many of the most deprived inner city areas show the highest levels of crimes against the person and petty theft. Breaking and entering and theft of motor vehicles also feature prominently in large metropolitan areas.

However, the postcodes with the highest incidence of fraud and long-term embezzlement of public funds have been shown to be SW1A 0AA and SW1A 0PW where two notorious criminal syndicates called "The Commons" and "The Lords" are known to operate.

Some of the gang members are currently facing trial and one is already in prison, but it is believed several hundred more have managed to avoid prosecution by using the defence, "Everyone was doing it, now stop wasting my time with these silly questions - you're only jealous."

Tony Blair - "I have regrets"

2011-01-22T12:13:00.013Z

click to enlarge

"Now Listen!"

"Do I regret railroading my Attorney General into accepting that an illegal war was, in fact, legal?"

"Do I regret taking Britain into a war that has resulted in the death of tens of thousands of Iraqui men women and children?"

"Do I regret sending our bravest boys and girls into action inadequately equipped because of my government's penny pinching?"

"Do I regret the 179 British military personnel who were killed in Iraq?"

"Of course I regret all of these facts."

"But then, I look at the £60 million I've earned since leaving office, mainly as pay-offs from American companies and I think about my 9 houses - and then I find all of these regrets go away very quickly. God bless you all."

Postman Prat's trouser snake gives way to Son of Brown

2011-01-20T22:08:00.004Z

It seems that the highly likeable Shadow Chancellor, Alan Johnson, has been suffering with the oldest problem that affects politicians - keeping the old trouser snake where it belongs. The Sunday Times was about to publish the story - hence the sudden resignation of this old wannabe rock and roll star.

So now Ed Balls has got one of the jobs he has always coveted.

Whereas Alan Johnson knew bugger all about economics (and was prepared to admit it) Ed Balls believes he knows everything there is to know about economics.

The problem is that he is from the old Gordon Brown school of tax and spend. Everything he says is - in reality - what Gordon would say. By giving Ed Balls the job, Ed Milliband is de facto giving the job to Gordon Brown.

And wasn't he the guy who got us to where we are today?

"King Kenny" takes over at Liverpool FC

2011-01-10T23:25:00.006Z

As fairytales go, that has to be one of the shortest ones....

(.....and I support Liverpool)

It's a start

2011-01-08T09:48:00.003Z

But how many more will follow?

2011-01-03T09:02:00.004Z

2010 began as a good year for bloggers, as we eagerly anticipated the General Election we knew we would see by the summer. Sadly, things didn't work out as we had hoped and we've all ended up with a colour of government that nobody voted for.

No doubt this has been a contributing factor to the subsequent demise of several blogs which have appeared on my blog reading list and several others only managing to post every couple of months.

Fleet of Worlds hasn't been seen since February 2010 and G.O.T. has decided to call it a day. Hoepfully they'll be back again in the future.

Iain Dale appears to be "officially" giving up blogging, but can't resist the odd post here and there.

This means that there will be a few empty spaces on my blogroll but we have to respect the wishes of those who have decided to retire from this medium. It's not easy to keep finding subjects you feel strongly about - especially with the current government. Blogging is also under threat from other social media like Facebook and Twitter - and there's only so much time you can spend in front of a computer each day.

For those who have entertained and amused us in the past, I say "thank you".

And I would welcome any suggestions from either of my readers as to other blogs I should be adding to my blog reading list in 2011.

Happy New Year!

Updated - now it looks like Blue Eyes has decided to call it quits. Another good blogger lost!

Updated again - Blue Eyes is back!

Elton John becomes a dad at 63

2010-12-28T15:07:00.005Z

Elton and David won't say who is the biological father, but I think there can be no doubt.

Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John has certainly got his father's eyes and hair, hasn't he?

It's time to stop dancing round your handbag, Vince

2010-12-21T10:18:00.002Z

Another week, another headline for this doddering old Jessie.

There is a flaw in Vince Cable's personality which makes him want to be the big political story each week.

Every week he wants the papers to wonder whether he is about to throw his toys out of the pram and abandon the coalition government. With every new policy announcement, there is always the question of whether Vince Cable will support it or hand in his resignation.

Vince - we know that you're really a Labour party man, so why don't you do us all a favour and cross the floor of the House?

Before Nick Clegg finds his hidden spine and sacks you....

It's cold!

2010-12-19T09:03:00.000Z

But some are better at coping with it than others...

We don't need no education

2010-12-11T16:26:00.003Z

Separated at Birth?

2010-12-02T22:38:00.006Z

The similarity is uncanny, isn't it?

Does Vince Cable know what the word "hypocrite" means?

2010-11-30T17:27:00.004Z

St Vincent de Cable, who alone predicted the financial crisis the world now finds itself in, is starting to have too many "senior moments."

His latest is something of a classic, even for a sit on the fence Lib Dem like him who spent the first few weeks of the coalition threatening to throw his toys out of the pram if he didn't get his own way over everything.

It now appears that he may abstain from the vote on University tuition fees, despite the fact that he is the minister whose department is responsible for the enormous rise in tuition fees.

You couldn't make it up, could you?

Royal Engagement Commemorative Plate

2010-11-19T07:42:00.003Z

To commemorate the engagement of Prince William to Kate Middleton, The Lakelander's Emporium of Tat is proud to bring you this magnificent Royal Engagement Commemorative Plate.

Hand crafted in porcelainette by Royal Crown Plates (Shanghai) Ltd this high quality collectors' item should not be confused with inferior products which look like a dinner plate with the first two photos that came to hand stuck onto the front.*

With the number of gullible and tasteless people in this country, sales are bound to outstrip supply, so hurry now and order your plate for just £99.95 + £9.95 for delivery and £8.00 for Congestion Charging.

*Royal Crown Plates (Shanghai) Ltd would like to apologise for the fact that this is a photo of Pippa Middleton, not Kate, since the Chief Designer reckons that all these waiguoren look the same to him.

Remembrance Sunday - Lest We Ever Forget

2010-11-14T22:00:00.004Z

Just why so many children of British service men and women have been orphaned since 1997.

Please support a friend

2010-11-09T22:49:00.004Z

My introduction to blogging was when Iain Dale introduced me to Theo Spark.

We shared a similar political outlook and a similar satirical outlook on the political class that we liked to express via Photoshopped pictures. We have remained friends ever since, despite having never met in person. Such is the strange parallel universe we bloggers live in.

If both my readers respond to my appeal, it will be two more get well cards towards the one million target that Theo has set. Please support this appeal. Theo is one of the good guys in the blogosphere.

Thanks,

Lakelander

Theo's Appeal of the Day..........

Many of our readers will know of my mothers recent health problems. What I would like is for every one of our readers to send a get well card to my mum.

I know times are hard for many of you but her health has been ruined by the NHS (read Obamacare) and a few cards and a few good wishes would be appreciated.

Her brother has now evicted her from her home and she needs needs some support.

Anyone wishing to send her a card should sent it to.

Mrs Jilly Spark
c/o Amberley Hall
55 Baldock Drive
Kings Lynn
Norfolk
PE30 3DQ
UK

PS I would like to see her get 1 million cards.

Update: I have had several requests to make finantial donations to help my Mum.

Please give your cash to a Military Charity instead. They earned it.

Farewell Phil

2010-11-06T10:39:00.001Z

And the moral of the story is - don't mess with Purdey....

America has spoken

2010-11-04T21:27:00.002Z

London Firefighters go on strike

2010-11-02T12:16:00.002Z

Still, it'll give them time to catch up on all those other little jobs that need doing...

People in glass houses

2010-10-31T11:55:00.001Z

So Horse-Faced Hattie has started mocking other politicians because of the way they look?

I just hope she can take it as well as she dishes it out. Somehow I doubt it...

A dark day for politicians

2010-10-27T10:22:00.001+01:00

Look what Dr Lakelander bought me for my birthday....

The best feel good news story of the year

2010-10-23T10:52:00.003+01:00

No it isn't the rescue of the Chilean miners....

It's that Wayne Rooney's agent has managed to squeeze £150,000 a week out of Manchester United so that Mr Potato Head continues to kick a ball around Old Trafford.

Hookers throughout Manchester are rejoicing....

Savage cutbacks announced at the Department of Paperclips

2010-10-20T11:12:00.006+01:00

George Osborne has announced that a huge number of jobs at the Department of Paperclips are to be cut as part of the government's cost-saving strategy.

The Department, which was created by the previous Labour government, was credited with creating thousands of new jobs, some of which were carried out by British people.

Those cuts in full:

1,000 staff from the Paperclips (Accounting) section, who had responsibility for counting all paperclips used in other government departments.

1,000 staff from the Paperclips (Distribution) section, who had responsibility for distributing all paperclips used in other government departments.

500 staff from the Paperclips Human Resources office - who had responsibility for counting all the people who worked in all the sections of the Department of Paperclips and maintaining their personnel records.

500 staff from the Paperclips (Health & Safety) section which made sure that none of the other staff were injured by paperclips.

A spokesman for the Amalgamated Paperclip Operatives Union said, "frankly I am stunned and shocked by these vicious cuts, which cannot be justified at a time when the country needs paperclips more than it has ever done."

The government was also criticised for informing 250 employees of the department that they had lost their jobs via a text message that was sent to their Department-provided Blackberries.

A spokesman for the government explained that this was because the 250 had been on permanent sick, maternity or paternity leave since starting their employment with the Department of Paperclips and as all their personnel records had been lost years ago this was the surest way of getting in touch with them :-)

The Lakelander's View

Time to give the Falklands to Argentina?

At the Setting of the Sun

Just starting to thaw

English for Dummies

David Blackadder and George Baldrick on the Euro

Too Little, Too Late

Chris Huhne tries one last desperate line of defence

Ed Miliband's Memory Lapse

Motivational After Dinner Speaker Available Soon

David Cameron invites Alex Salmond for talks

France's Credit Rating Downgraded

Every Little Helps (himself)

Ed Miliband makes an idiot of himself again

"Allow assisted suicide for those with less than a year to live"

The Archbishop of Canterbury's New Year Message

Wishing you all a Healthy and Peaceful 2012

As a Nation Mourns

Merry Christmas

England Captain denies accusations of racism

A Nation Mourns

Shock news about Charles Kennedy

Splendid Isolation

Michael Barrymore pleads guilty to possession of cocaine

Be Careful What You Wish For, Nicholas

The Chancellor's Autumn Statement summarised

Updated version of Tony Blair's memoirs released

Sepp Blatter finds an answer to "being misunderstood" so often

November the Fifth

Just in time for Halloween

Do you believe in Ghosts, Tony?

Rather as predicted here

Coming to a Cinema near you soon

Facebook - people you may know

Thanks a bunch, Martin

RIP Steve Jobs

The Godfather from Hell

Ever wondered what a million pounds looks like?

Pan Am 103 Remembered

Brothers in Arms

American Budget Crisis Summarised

Ed Miliband undergoes surgery

New style Euro coin revealled

Recommended Reading

Rupert Murdoch's apology - the first draft

Charlie Gilmour gets 16 months

Goodbye Rebekah

The Headline the NOTW staff really wanted to run

Can you spot the difference?

Scottish Liberal Democrats reveal their new logo

Farewell to the dream of a Federal Europe

Milliband Brothers deny reports of rift

Sports News

Look up now, Colonel

New FIFA slogan revealed

Expenses Cheats

Sir Fred Goodwin

Osama Bin Laden's Porn

Nick Clegg - The Future

The Situation Room

Osama Bin Laden - the marketing begins....

Ding Dong, the **** is dead!

Happy Easter

So you didn't get an invitation either, Gordon?

Vince Cable sets out LibDem policy on Immigration

Please go through this channel Mr Koussa

The Lakelander's View

Another Royal Collectible released

Please form an orderely queue

Colonel Gadaffi - an apology

New range of Royal collectibles goes on sale

The people of Barnsley have spoken

Now we know that Gadaffi is f**ked

Nick Clegg forgot he was running the country

Jim Devine declared bankrupt

Even a dictator is judged by the company he keeps

Happy Birthday Gordon!

It was fifty years ago today

Speaker's wife photographed wearing only a bed sheet

New Crime Map of Britain reveals worst addresses for crime