The Prescott Coat of Arms revealed

With John Prescott's elevation to the Peerage, The College of Arms has been asked to design a Coat of Arms that will reflect his enormous contribution to British political life.

The elements that make up Lord Prescott of Hull's Coat of Arms are explained as follows:

The Shield is split into six divisions, representing the six meals a day that my Lord Prescott partakes.

These divisions have the tinctures of Sable (black) representing Constancy and Tawny (orange) representing worthy ambition. Lord Prescott believes that this is a true representation of his approach to life, rather than the chippy class warrior that he has often been portrayed as. They are also the colours of Hull City Football Club, who were relegated from the Premiership at the end of the season.

The Symbols on each division all reflect the reasons Lord Prescott will be remembered for many years to come:

Traditionally, lions, tigers and leopards have represented courage and valour - two words that do not immediately spring to mind when you think about Lord Prescott. Instead, we have a Pair of Jaguars Passant which represent his devotion to climate change and the environment in general, by asking everyone else to go to work on the bus, while he reclines in the back of one of his Jaguars.

A gauntlet is the traditional symbol for one who is "armed for the performance of martial enterprise." With this in mind, Lord Prescott thought that his early boxing career could be commemorated with a Pair of Boxing Gloves, which will also serve as a warning to anyone who wants to chuck an egg at him. Don't.

A cup is the symbol of the King's butler. As Lord Prescott began life as a ship's steward, when he first entered the House of Commons, he was regularly greeted with cries of "another G&T, Prescott" from the Conservative benches. Knowing how funny Lord Prescott used to find these jibes, a Glass of Gin and Tonic has been added to the shield.

Next, we have Lord Prescott's Throne which saw so much action that he had to have the seat repaired twice in the past two years at the taxpayers expense.

Finally, there is the traditional symbol of Durex, which represents protection and one who is "armed for the performance of extra-marital enterprise."

Underneath the shield is the motto that so accurately summarises Lord Prescott's contribution to British political life, flanked by the Dragon of Wales and the White Rose of Yorkshire.

Yes, my Lord Prescott, you have indeed spent a lifetime filling your boots....and all at our expense.

Update 31.05.10 Thanks to the comments from some of my readers, the Coat of Arms has been updated. I've added the pork pie coronet, the crossed croquet mallets, the mock Tudor beams, the various favourite foodstuffs of our erstwhile Deputy Prime Minister, his "lettuce green" chevron and his grass roots socialist motto that allows any-and-all-gratuities to be acceptabbable. As it twere.

Nick Clegg on expenses

So, Nick....

Just how squeaky clean are the rest of the LibDem Members of Parliament?

Update 30th May 2010 - now it looks like David Laws' replacement isn't exactly squeaky clean, is he?

Scratch a Liberal and you'll find a hypocrite.

Britain's Greatest Ventriloquist

With the passing of Ray Alan, Britain has lost its greatest ventriloquist.

He was so good that when Lord Charles "talked", you could not see Ray Alan's mouth move. You really believed that what you heard were the words of the dummy sitting on his knee.

As if a dummy could actually think for himself.

Au revoir, Mutley

Those of us who inhabit this peculiar arrondissement of the blogosphere will all know "Mutley the Dog".

Until very recently, I didn't know that his real name was Rob Chambers - who died last Friday, aged 46.

He left a comment on my blog a few months ago and, when his Jack Russell "Mutley" died, I left a comment on his blog along the lines that the best cure was to get another dog as soon as possible. He had just lost Mutley and I had just lost Robbie.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Kate, Caroline, Sam and Libby this evening.

Along with everyone who was touched by his humour, his humility and his joie de vivre.

10 Downing Street gets a makeover

As further evidence of just how much the Conservatives and LibDems love each other, Dave and Nick have arranged for the front door at 10 Downing Street to be painted in their respective party colours.

The right-hand side of the door will be painted blue (though not as dark as many of us would have liked) and the left-hand side of the door will be painted in a wishy-washy shade of yellow.

As a further concession to the LibDems, the lion's head door knocker will have all its teeth removed.

Just like the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.

A bad hair day

So it looks like it's going to be Milliband vs Milliband for the leadership of the Labour Party.

But let's be honest....who really cares?

Form an orderly queue please

When I opened my Daily Telegraph this morning, I came across this advert which offered an Aynsley commemorative mug of the Gruesome Twosome for a mere £29.95.

I kid you not - this is not one of my Photoshop offerings and there's only 2,000 available.

So hurry up if you want one....

Coming soon: commemorative mugs celebrating the lives of other famous double acts including Burke and Hare, Ant & Dec and the Kray Twins.

Bring Me Sunshine

Today, in the Rose Garden at 10 Downing Street, we saw the first performance of the new British comedy duo - Cameron and Clegg.

How our sides ached as Dave Cameron admitted that his answer to "what's your favourite joke?" was "Nick Clegg."

So here's another joke:

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of lemonade. The barman pours half a pint of lemonade and tops up the glass with a half of bitter.

A second man walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. The barman pours half a pint of bitter and tops up the glass with a half pint of lemonade.

When both men complain that their drinks aren't what they ordered, the barman says "sorry, but you're both drinking shandy now, whether you like it or not."

"But that's not what we ordered!" repeated both men.

"You'd better get used to it," said the barman,"it's how proportional representation works. Nobody gets what they want."

No...I don't find it very funny either.

But instead of telling the double-dealing Liberals that there was no other offer in town and that he was prepared to run a minority government until the time was right for another General Election, Dave Cameron went for the easy option. As the country polarised in advance of a second General Election, the Liberals would have been destroyed and would have ended up with less than 20 seats.

Instead we have 5 years of a LibDem/Conservative "Shandy" government to look forward to.

Thanks a bunch, Dave.

Thanks for the Memories - This is the End

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Cheer up everyone!

Gordon's as good as gone, taking his corrupt and incompetent government with him.

I refuse to believe that we could end up with a government that is made up of a Lib-Lab pact, since the Liberals' policies (amnesty for a million illegal immigrants, scrapping the replacement for Trident etc) are too left-wing for most of the Labour Party.

It's hard to make predictions but I can see a Conservative government being formed that is propped up by Ulster Unionists a real possibility. Could the Conservatives ever work with the Lib Dems? I guess it depends upon just how much both party leaders are prepared to concede principles to gain power.

But for Nu Labour, it is The End.

Thanks for the Memories - Vote Blair, we got Brown

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"Vote Blair, get Brown" was a slogan that the Conservatives used at the last General Election in 2005.

Unfortunately, Tony Blair was so unpopular by then and his spin-over-substance style of politics had lost any credibility it had. People were ready for a change and the idea of a safe pair of hands from number 11 Downing Street had its appeal.

People quite liked the idea of "vote Blair, get Brown."

People had forgotten that this was the man who had raided private sector pensions, condemning millions of hard working people to a poorer retirement. This was the man who sold off the countries gold reserves when the price of gold was at its lowest. This was the man who funded hospital and school building projects via reckless PFI schemes that your grandchildren will still be paying off in years to come.

His economic competence was a myth and now he was about to become our Prime Minister without ever facing an election for the post.

Nor had people fully appreciated that the sensible, even dour, exterior hid a charmless bully who was incapable of working as part of a team. He bottled big decisions. He bottled small decisions. He was a mysoginist weirdo who treated anyone who disagreed with his viewpoint as a sworn enemy.

In years to come, he will be known as the worst Prime Minister Britain has had in the last 100 years.

Goodbye, Gordon. You won't be missed.

© Mrs Gillian Duffy 2010

Thanks for the Memories - Things could only get better

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When Tony Blair led the Labour Party to victory in the 1997 General Election he was the fresh new face of British Politics, who promised "a third way" of running Britain.

At first, it seemed like nothing could go wrong for him, apart from the odd clanger that his letterbox-gobbed wife, Cherie would drop from time to time. When things did go wrong, he could always rely on Alistair Campbell to bully the press into submission.

But after 9/11 it all changed. Support for an old ally soon turned into a complete sell-out to the Americans. Where they went, we followed. Forget international law, if George W Bush said we should go in and kick ass, then in our brave boys and girls went.

Thanks in no small part to our woefully inadequate levels of body armour, helicopters and armoured vehicles, too many of our brave boys and girls have come home in coffins.

But look on the bright side! Tony now makes millions a year for after-dinner speaking in America and has a string of lucrative non-exec directorships. Laughably, he is the international peace envoy for the Middle East and our taxes pay for all the bodyguards that accompany him in his money-making travels around the world.

Whilst I would really like to see him tried as a war criminal and swinging from a rope, the likelihood is that he will continue to enjoy his comfortable retirement, while thousands continue to suffer for his slavish obedience to George W Bush.

But if there is any justice in this world, there will be a special seat in Hell that has the name of Anthony Charles Lynton Blair inscribed upon it.

Thanks for the Memories - The Sleaze

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Has there ever been a time that politicians have been held in such contempt by so many people?

In the past, they have been accused of "only being in politics for themselves." In the past few years, we have learned just how true that statement is - and in no small part, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act 2000 - which had formed part of the Labour Party's 1997 election manifesto. Oops!

Peter Hain was an early member of the "Toast Club" when it was revealled that he had forgotten to declare over £100,000 of donations to his failed campain for Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party. But he has never faced prosecution for this.

He was joined by Wendy Alexander, the Rab C Nesbitt look-a-like, who had to resign over illegal donations to her campaign to become Scottish Labour leader. The irony here is that she was unopposed for the role.

The first abuse of the second home allowance to hit the headlines was Jaqui Smith's designation of a back bedroom in her sister's house as her "primary residence." Then it came to light just what her secretary / husband did with his time to justify his £40k a year.

The tone was really set when twice disgraced MP, Peter Mandelson, slithered back from Brussels to become Lord Voldermort Mandelson, with responsibility for industry. Labour also came unstuck with its attempts at embracing the new media when it was revealed how Derek Draper had tried to smear Conservative MPs via his pathetic "Red Rag" website.

Slowly but surely the extent of "second home flipping", high living and sheer greed amongst MPs became public knowledge. Elliot Morley continued to claim for the mortgage on his house long after it was paid off, whilst Sir Nicholas and Lady Ann Winterton simply put their London flat into a trust for their children and claimed the rent back.

If one thing has been made clear by these events it is that too many MPs believed that they were somehow superior to the little people who have voted them into office and were only accountable to an ineffective system of scrutiny that they were totally in control of themselves.

Thanks to the very act that Labour championed as part of its 1997 election manifesto, the British voter was able to shine a torch into corners of the Palace of Westminster that, for too long, had been kept in the shadows.

Thanks for the Memories - The Books

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Where would Poundland be if it wasn't for the steady flow of books that politicians believe the public want to read?

Gordon wants us to believe that he had a genuine understanding of the word "Courage."

Lord Levy wants to get his own back on Tony Blair for making him the fall guy for the "cash for peerages" scandal.

John Prescott and Mark Oaten chose to write about their own unusual eating habits. Thankfully, no recipe books have followed.

No-one's quite sure what Cherie has written about because no-one has bought a copy. Doesn't look much like her on the cover, does it?

But the best book of all was "No Expenses Spared" - which catalogued the unbelievable greed that both Houses of Parliament demonstrated and then tried to cover up.

If you only read one book about politics this year, make it this one.

Thanks for the Memories

In less than a week (if there is a God) this shower of spivs will be out of power, at last.

As we count down the days and hours until Gordon and Mandy sail off into the sunset together, it would be a shame if I did not note the imminent passing of Nu Labour by posting my favourite Photoshops of the past few years.

Because soon, they will just be a memory.

Please.