Gordon was wearing that awful lilac-coloured tie he wears all the time. Who told him that lilac was his colour, for heaven's sake? It was probably Sarah, though what does she know. If I was her shape I would certainly not wear horizontal stripes as often as she does.
"I'm tired of Brussels, Gordon," I said,"Tony thought he was doing me a favour packing me off over there but it's simply ghastly - they're like the French but with worse table manners and the most awful teeth."
Gordon chewed on the nail of his right index finger. I do wish he wouldn't do that in front of me...I know where that finger's been!
"Ah havenae got any job in guvvnment ah can give ye, Peter," he mumbled,"an' there's nae by-elections comin' up fer a safe seat oot there."
I could tell it was time to play my trump card. I've always had an exceptional instinct for when the time is right to take advantage of other's vulnerabilities and gracious me, but Gordon has them by the Birkin bag full.
"Gordon, old sweet, do you remember that photograph I took of you on the rocking horse?"
Gordon went quite pale and reached for his right nostril. Get her, I thought, she's suffering a bad case of nappy rash!
I continued, "Lord Mandelson has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you agree?"
Extracted from "The Third Man" by Peter Mandelson
"I'm tired of Brussels, Gordon," I said,"Tony thought he was doing me a favour packing me off over there but it's simply ghastly - they're like the French but with worse table manners and the most awful teeth."
Gordon chewed on the nail of his right index finger. I do wish he wouldn't do that in front of me...I know where that finger's been!
"Ah havenae got any job in guvvnment ah can give ye, Peter," he mumbled,"an' there's nae by-elections comin' up fer a safe seat oot there."
I could tell it was time to play my trump card. I've always had an exceptional instinct for when the time is right to take advantage of other's vulnerabilities and gracious me, but Gordon has them by the Birkin bag full.
"Gordon, old sweet, do you remember that photograph I took of you on the rocking horse?"
Gordon went quite pale and reached for his right nostril. Get her, I thought, she's suffering a bad case of nappy rash!
I continued, "Lord Mandelson has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you agree?"
Extracted from "The Third Man" by Peter Mandelson
7 comments:
Absolutely hilarious.
Rory Bremner couldn't have done better!
Brilliant Mr Lakes!!!!
Di.xx
Watch out Peter - the bogey man is coming to get you.
Tris: Welcome to this blog and thank you for your kind comments.
Do call back again.
Trubes: Thank you! I've always imagined that Peter Mandelson is pretty bitchy in private and his book seems to confirm this.
RVI: I believe that Tony Blair is hopping mad that Peter Mandelson's book has hit the bookshops before his own.
I can't wait (actually I can) for Gordon's response to both books.
Having watched 'Victorian Pharmacy' last evening, I reckon that Mandelson and Co invented snake oil...
I'm in a quandary about buying this book:-
whilst I'd probably be extremely amused by the verbal bitching of the gruesome twosome, the other part of me couldn't bear to think I was voluntarily giving even more of my hard-earned to Lord Fondlebum.
I suppose I'll have to wait until it's remaindered in "Poundland"...
Don't think that will be long Ted... but there's always the library.
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