With John Prescott's elevation to the Peerage, The College of Arms has been asked to design a Coat of Arms that will reflect his enormous contribution to British political life.
The elements that make up Lord Prescott of Hull's Coat of Arms are explained as follows:
The Shield is split into six divisions, representing the six meals a day that my Lord Prescott partakes.
These divisions have the tinctures of Sable (black) representing Constancy and Tawny (orange) representing worthy ambition. Lord Prescott believes that this is a true representation of his approach to life, rather than the chippy class warrior that he has often been portrayed as. They are also the colours of Hull City Football Club, who were relegated from the Premiership at the end of the season.
The Symbols on each division all reflect the reasons Lord Prescott will be remembered for many years to come:
Traditionally, lions, tigers and leopards have represented courage and valour - two words that do not immediately spring to mind when you think about Lord Prescott. Instead, we have a Pair of Jaguars Passant which represent his devotion to climate change and the environment in general, by asking everyone else to go to work on the bus, while he reclines in the back of one of his Jaguars.
A gauntlet is the traditional symbol for one who is "armed for the performance of martial enterprise." With this in mind, Lord Prescott thought that his early boxing career could be commemorated with a Pair of Boxing Gloves, which will also serve as a warning to anyone who wants to chuck an egg at him. Don't.
A cup is the symbol of the King's butler. As Lord Prescott began life as a ship's steward, when he first entered the House of Commons, he was regularly greeted with cries of "another G&T, Prescott" from the Conservative benches. Knowing how funny Lord Prescott used to find these jibes, a Glass of Gin and Tonic has been added to the shield.
Next, we have Lord Prescott's Throne which saw so much action that he had to have the seat repaired twice in the past two years at the taxpayers expense.
Finally, there is the traditional symbol of Durex, which represents protection and one who is "armed for the performance of extra-marital enterprise."
Underneath the shield is the motto that so accurately summarises Lord Prescott's contribution to British political life, flanked by the Dragon of Wales and the White Rose of Yorkshire.
Yes, my Lord Prescott, you have indeed spent a lifetime filling your boots....and all at our expense.
Update 31.05.10 Thanks to the comments from some of my readers, the Coat of Arms has been updated. I've added the pork pie coronet, the crossed croquet mallets, the mock Tudor beams, the various favourite foodstuffs of our erstwhile Deputy Prime Minister, his "lettuce green" chevron and his grass roots socialist motto that allows any-and-all-gratuities to be acceptabbable. As it twere.
The elements that make up Lord Prescott of Hull's Coat of Arms are explained as follows:
The Shield is split into six divisions, representing the six meals a day that my Lord Prescott partakes.
These divisions have the tinctures of Sable (black) representing Constancy and Tawny (orange) representing worthy ambition. Lord Prescott believes that this is a true representation of his approach to life, rather than the chippy class warrior that he has often been portrayed as. They are also the colours of Hull City Football Club, who were relegated from the Premiership at the end of the season.
The Symbols on each division all reflect the reasons Lord Prescott will be remembered for many years to come:
Traditionally, lions, tigers and leopards have represented courage and valour - two words that do not immediately spring to mind when you think about Lord Prescott. Instead, we have a Pair of Jaguars Passant which represent his devotion to climate change and the environment in general, by asking everyone else to go to work on the bus, while he reclines in the back of one of his Jaguars.
A gauntlet is the traditional symbol for one who is "armed for the performance of martial enterprise." With this in mind, Lord Prescott thought that his early boxing career could be commemorated with a Pair of Boxing Gloves, which will also serve as a warning to anyone who wants to chuck an egg at him. Don't.
A cup is the symbol of the King's butler. As Lord Prescott began life as a ship's steward, when he first entered the House of Commons, he was regularly greeted with cries of "another G&T, Prescott" from the Conservative benches. Knowing how funny Lord Prescott used to find these jibes, a Glass of Gin and Tonic has been added to the shield.
Next, we have Lord Prescott's Throne which saw so much action that he had to have the seat repaired twice in the past two years at the taxpayers expense.
Finally, there is the traditional symbol of Durex, which represents protection and one who is "armed for the performance of extra-marital enterprise."
Underneath the shield is the motto that so accurately summarises Lord Prescott's contribution to British political life, flanked by the Dragon of Wales and the White Rose of Yorkshire.
Yes, my Lord Prescott, you have indeed spent a lifetime filling your boots....and all at our expense.
Update 31.05.10 Thanks to the comments from some of my readers, the Coat of Arms has been updated. I've added the pork pie coronet, the crossed croquet mallets, the mock Tudor beams, the various favourite foodstuffs of our erstwhile Deputy Prime Minister, his "lettuce green" chevron and his grass roots socialist motto that allows any-and-all-gratuities to be acceptabbable. As it twere.
18 comments:
Yet another winner from the Lakelander stable. How does he do it?
Excellent. But shouldn't the shield be in the shape of a pie? ;-)
How about a blank shield, to describe anything useful the oaf did while turning up occasionally in Whitehall?
You said "Passent" - did you mean Piss Ant?
Excellent Lakes, but it seems to me that the shield is somewhat incomplete without something significant across the top - maybe a pig and a trough might fill the bill?
Splendid, lakes, but what you have given us here is merely the 'shield' from his coat of arms.
This suggests that there were no 'supporters' to be found, no 'crest', 'helm[et]' or 'coronet'.
Also no heraldic belt, which in Prezza's case ought to be green:
"The green belt was a Labour policy and we intend to build on it"
Can't you add a couple of Croquet mallets somewhere?
Apricotfox: Thank you! It's a combination of a modest talent with Photoshop and a deep distrust of politicians...
Lilith: note the new addition...
Scrobs: very true. His contribution to British politics could be summarised on the back of a postage stamp.
Dioclese: actually "peasant" would have been closer still!
RVI: will a pork pie suffice?
Idle: I trust you approve of the extra embellishments I have added, having taken inspiration from everyone's comments.
Anon: excellent idea! I knew it lacked something...thank you!
Excellent coat of arms for m'lord. If you have room for any more additions could you please add carnations, trifles and noodles.
Mr Prescott explains how he could "sup a whole tin of condensed milk", eat trifles "for ever" and eat through a Chinese restaurant's entire menu. - It's on BBC site so it must be true.
(Any fees outstanding for the creation of Lord Prescott's Coat of Arms should be charged to his brand new expenses account at the House of Lords. If that is already over the limit check one of his NGO accounts or that European job he was going on about to Humphries.)
Exquisite. I hope you will email it to him to add to the Tudor beams.
Henry Wood: Welcome to the blog!
Chinese takeaway, trifle and Carnation milk added. Thank you!
RVI: what inspiration! I've added some mock Tudor beams...
I would only add that a Chevron across the lower third might make describe a nice arc for an egg.
Has there ever been a more Hippo-croquetball member of parliament?
{possible exception of the Kinnocks}
He was a waiter on a ship,what no ship,how about a bottle opener or a beer towel or a sign gratuities greatfully accepted
I have taken Bill Quango MP's advice and have added a Chevron to the lower third.
Idle: had earlier suggested the adoption of a heraldic belt, reflecting Lord Prescott's interest in "green issues."
I have therefore combined both these suggestions into one addition to my Lord Prescott's coat of arms.
A chevron in a shade of green that my Lord Prescott will never have seen:
Lettuce Green!
Anon: whoever you are - welcome to this blog!
I have amended my Lord Prescott's motto accordingly.
The whole coat of arms should be supported by a concrete slab, as this fat, troughing bastard wanted to concrete over the whole of south-east England.
The shit.
I prefer my own, simpler, less pretentious coat of arms:
Crossed remote controls under a Chinese take-away. Motto: I came. I saw. I spilt Chow Mein down my ganzy
Worth a laugh. Thanks Lakelander. BUT surely reminds us all that the sooner the Upper House stops being forced to get oafs like this in the better. The abiding memory of Prescott must surely be the misery and huge costs he imposed on women and the nation. I am in danger of smashing my TV whenever they have the prat on !
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