Health Secretary, Andy Burnham, has denied that the government hasn't got a clue what to do about Swine Flu.
A new initiative will see everyone in Britain issued with Mr Sneeze forehead thermometers, rather than Tamiflu, as they're a fraction of the price /Boots were having a sale/ The Department of Health dithered about buying enough stock of Tamiflu this Swine Flu is nothing to worry about. Really...
If you find that you have aching joints, a sore throat, runny nose and a high temperature then stay at home and ring the new Swine Flu Advice Service.
This service has nothing to do with the sort of annoying people who ring and try to get you to change your energy suppliers whenever you're in the middle of dinner. Except they're the same.
Free mascara with every Forehead Thermometer - you too can look like what passes for a government minister these days.
Are you a celebrity, a politician or a professional sportsman or woman?
You want your friends and "your public" to know what you're up to but you don't have time to write a Blog or keep Twitter or Facebook updated?
Well now there's a free application you can download onto your iPhone (or any other domestic or mobile phone for that matter.)
It's called Bug and it's brought to you by News International.
With Bug installed, you won't have to go to the trouble of publicising yourself, News International will do it for you. Soon your friends and "your public" will know every grubby little detail of your life, whether you like it or not.
In fact, you don't even have to download it - News International have already done it for you!
Apologies are due to those loyal souls who stop by this blog from time to time.
Blogging has not just been light, it's been non-existent.
This has been my view for the past week...well, someone has to do it.
For those who are curious, it's the village of Kingswear, which is on the other side of the River Dart from Dartmouth, which is where I have spent the past week in the company of Dr Lakelander and our Westie puppy, Rosie.
After two weeks of trying to arrange a "cross platform upgrade" of Adobe Photoshop from Windows to Mac, I finally got a phone call yesterday (from Adobe India - FFS!) saying that they had found all the lost e-mails and could now arrange the upgrade. Thanks guys...how am I meant to abuse our political class without Photoshop?
While away, I learned that my BT Mobile Internet dongle doesn't work with a Mac and my O2 Mobile internet dongle wouldn't connect either. I ended up having to take out a subscription to the wifi network on the marina across the river from where we were staying. And it was about as flaky as an MP's expenses claim.